all your love was wasted

all trust has been lost.



i have two choices: rebuild it or walk away. we are getting married in 4 months and these are my choices. i didn't see this coming at all. the ring comes on and off; twists around and around and i don't know what any of it means.



i'm shattered.

the great name debate

apparently, i'm not very good at maintaining a blog.

i'm getting married. holy crap. while the planning is going ridiculously smooth, minus a few disagreements over the guest list, i keep coming back to the same topic and i keep hitting a brick wall.

i love my last name. i love who and what it represents and i don't want to give it up. i love my siblings and i love how we constantly justify our actions by simply saying " i'm a (last name here)". its all the explanation thats ever been needed. we are team. whether it's drinking, actual sports, or simply backing each other during an arguement. i know that by changing my name it doesn't mean i cease to exist in their world, but it's a pretty big change. i'm going to miss people wondering how to spell it, shocked how short it is, and constantly puzzled over it's origin. i'm just going to miss something that meant so much to me.

granted, i could put a hyphen in but that just looks retarded: an italian scot? i don't think so.

not to mention when we have kids i want to have the same name as them so it really only leaves me with one choice.

i'm going to have a white washed celtic name.

le sigh.

lazy days

wedding plans are going along swimmingly except for one small thing: the guest list.

the list keeps growing and growing and yet i look at it and i wonder "what happened to all my friends?". there are quite a few people i love on the list but they are co-workers, family friends and people like that. but i have very few friends - i don't hang out with people anymore. i'm inviting some people simply because we are on okay terms now and the hassle of not inviting them would be a bigger deal.

i know i can be difficult, but i didn't think it was that bad.

it's what you do to me

life hasn't gotten much better and i'm not even angry anymore; i've let it take me down. i have no problem admitting that i stopped fighting it, now each incident washes over me and i drown a little bit more.

i don't know how to be around people anymore, i don't know how to talk to them.

why we get drunk is so we don't think

this is the last 8 weeks of my life...

may 23 - grandpa dies
may 29 - great uncle dies
june 6 - grandpa's wake
june 13 - i have two emergency surgeries
* 5 days, 4 types of antibiotics and a fistful of percocet later i drive to calgary*
june 19 - my dads in the hospital with chest pain
june 30 - syringes found on my patio ~ beginning of the strata dispute
july 5 - my boyfriends jeep is stolen from our condo
july 5 - jeep retrieved and my car breaks down while driving to pay tow truck driver

i'm anxiously waiting to find out what exactly i'm supposed to learn from all of this. maybe it's that i'm stronger than i've ever been... a year ago i would have crumbled. if that is the case, i've learned my lesson. now, please, for the love of god give a second to breathe.

please...

an update or something

not a lot to say.... june sucked. i ended up having two emergency surgeries and then my dad ended up in the hospital with chest pain. i'm just glad it's july.

i need to find a new job. i'm so bored of my current career but i lose all motivation once i start school, so i'm not sure what i'm going to do. but i need a change.

i don't really have a lot to say - i just feel like life has kinda kicked my ass.

walking with a ghost

i'm not sure what it is, but i'm really into tegan & sara right now. i'm also not sure whats going on with me right now... i'm just not my usual self. which seems only fair - i've had a fucked up month: 2 family deaths in 6 days while watching my mom fall apart and trying to keep my house as well rounded as possible. but it doesn't feel like all of these things are the reason that i'm "off".

really, i just wanna get away. i want to go on a long drive. i want it to be september again and be riding the trains in scotland, paris, ireland etc. i want to still feel like there are a million doors open to me. i wish i was one of those people that just threw myself into things to deal with stress, but i don't. i do nothing. i hang out.

i guess i just feel like i need more right now.

everyone told me today at the wake that i look like my grandpa - i hope it's true.