words are never enough

grandpa,

i miss you, i don't really know what to do with myself since you left. i thought about writing you a letter to be cremated with you like everyone suggested but i couldn't bring myself to put pen to paper. i didn't know what to say to you. i didn't know how to explain how much i appreciated and loved you. there are so many things that were never said, but i hope with every ounce of me that you knew them and felt loved.

i remember when you babysat us by yourself and you didn't know how to make macaroni and cheese so i helped you. when we were eating it you were amazed at how good it tasted when grandma didn't cook it - it's amazing what happens when you read instructions! you let us eat frosted malts for breakfast because you knew we liked them and didn't see a problem with us having ice cream for breakfast. you'd never been without grandma and had to take care of us and you did an amazing job.

we always knew we were safe, even when you left us at home alone, because we trusted that you wouldn't let anything hurt us. sure we were naive, but 15 + years later i still believe that. i still think of you as one of the best men in my life. i still think that you could protect me from everything and anything.

it broke my heart to sit in the hospital with you and see you restrained because you were confused and pulling on your iv. i hope you realized i was there with you. i hope the hours i spent stroking your hair and telling you it was going to be ok was some comfort to you. i hope you know that i would have done anything to make you feel better because i know you'd do the same for me.

i just miss you. i missed you 5 years ago when dementia and alzheimers took you and i miss you so much more now. i love you.

this hell is home

my grandpa is gone.

its weird because up until now everyone i know who has died was a tragedy (they shouldn't have died, they were too young, etc.). for the first time in my life someone died who was actually old - i can't ignore the reality anymore that all my grandparents are at that age. i don't want to lose them.

my grandpa was amazing. he had a twinkle in his eye that always made me feel like we had a secret that no one else would ever know. he loved life. he loved his children. he loved his grandchildren. he worked day in and day out for years so that we would all smile. he provided me with some of the most amazing memories i will ever have and experiences to share with my friends.

i will miss you so much more than you'll ever know, grandpa.

i'm not sorry

i'm frustrated.

i confronted a friend about the state of our friendship, found out he is disappointed with how i've treated him but when i call him on his lack of interest or attempt to maintain our friendship he shuts up. it's been 2 weeks since i presented my side... no response. you can't tell me i'm a bad friend when you did NOTHING for 9 months and i mean nothing. atleast i sent texts (which went unanswered), made comments on facebook posts, and brought up the entire state of our friendship so that we may fix it. don't tell me that you want our friendship back and i just need to be honest about where i stand to fix this and when i do EXACTLY what you ask you shut up. i have sat back and eaten every single apology that you've asked for in the last 10 plus years. i've taken your words to heart; i've believed that i was the over emotional one that screwed up - i took that to my very soul and apologized. i was left behind and neglected for years and i stood by all of your sides.

don't tell me that i always hung you from the gallows when up until the last year and a half i adored you and would do anything for you. for the first time you aren't number one in my life and you can't bear that... you can't even pretend that you are ok with that. what did you think would happen?? did you think i would just keep waiting on the sidelines hoping that one day you'd fall in love with me?? i met someone and i'm happy - you aren't the end all be all of my life and i'm not going to apologize for that.

besides all the frustration and disappointment i feel at this exact moment i know you'll be the one losing out. our entire friendship i thought you'd all be at my wedding, i thought you'd be the random dude in my bridal party because you've always been my bestfriend. but now i know i'm going to get married and you won't even be there. you are going to miss out on all the important milestones in my life from now on and no matter how much you think i've let you down, you brought this all on yourself. you made the choice to not be my friend anymore.

don't tell me you want to fix our friendship when you've left my heart on my sleeve waiting for a response for 2 weeks.

you pulled the trigger, i'm just the one that said bang.

le sigh

i have a confession: i have wedding fever.

the more we talk about engagement rings and look at them the more i want you to ask. i know it's going to happen but i'm not patient. the more i think about it the more i realize i'm such a girl. le sigh. flowers, colours, venues and people names go running through my head and i can't stop them. will i cry? i know you will cry. what would our first dance be to?

i find myself googling wedding crap and i wanna slap myself.

and so it begins

it was bound to happen - eventually i knew i'd return to a blog because i lacked the voice i needed in realtime.

it seems that in the midst of getting everything i thought i wanted i lost some of the things i needed. i have an amazing boyfriend whom i live with in a condo i purchased and we've made an amazing home, it feels exactly how i always imagined it would. the one thing i didn't anticipate was an overabundance of feeling void.

all the motivation i'd mustered up over the last 1.5 years has vanished - the me that i'd come to love, understand, and appreciate vanished. i don't even think about med school anymore, in fact, i could not care less about it.

i don't know who i am anymore.