words are never enough

grandpa,

i miss you, i don't really know what to do with myself since you left. i thought about writing you a letter to be cremated with you like everyone suggested but i couldn't bring myself to put pen to paper. i didn't know what to say to you. i didn't know how to explain how much i appreciated and loved you. there are so many things that were never said, but i hope with every ounce of me that you knew them and felt loved.

i remember when you babysat us by yourself and you didn't know how to make macaroni and cheese so i helped you. when we were eating it you were amazed at how good it tasted when grandma didn't cook it - it's amazing what happens when you read instructions! you let us eat frosted malts for breakfast because you knew we liked them and didn't see a problem with us having ice cream for breakfast. you'd never been without grandma and had to take care of us and you did an amazing job.

we always knew we were safe, even when you left us at home alone, because we trusted that you wouldn't let anything hurt us. sure we were naive, but 15 + years later i still believe that. i still think of you as one of the best men in my life. i still think that you could protect me from everything and anything.

it broke my heart to sit in the hospital with you and see you restrained because you were confused and pulling on your iv. i hope you realized i was there with you. i hope the hours i spent stroking your hair and telling you it was going to be ok was some comfort to you. i hope you know that i would have done anything to make you feel better because i know you'd do the same for me.

i just miss you. i missed you 5 years ago when dementia and alzheimers took you and i miss you so much more now. i love you.